The Cockney Maneuvers Handbook
For New Members
For Everyone
You may have seen some terms like "The Cockney Switch" or "The Cockney Blag" on this website, and likely, you're wondering just what the heck a Cockney Maneuver is. Well, fret not, dear reader. All will be explained.
Some years ago, Burtbro and I were discussing the best way to replace a part on a customer's car. It was decided that one Burtbro could simply hold this part away from that part and the other Burtbro would simply perform the Cockney Switch - a term created in the moment - whipping out the old part and fitting the new one in a single movement.
And thus, the Cockney Maneuver Prefix Standard (CMPS®) was born.
Since that time, the standard has developed, and now includes a wide range of applications. The most frequently used examples can be found in this index.
The Cockney Switch
As explained above, the quick swapping of one thing for another.
Can be used in a shoplifting context.
The Cockney Blag
Using a confident demeanor to invoke credibility that ought not exist in the context.
It's particularly popular amongst used car dealers who don't realize that your mechanical understanding is somewhat above that of the layman (and, indeed, of theirs). The term covers the on-the-fly invention of parts and processes that sound overly technical, thus portraying a deep knowledge that doesn't actually exist, in an attempt to fool unsuspecting victims into buying what I affectionately call 'a crate'.
The Cockney Swindle
Similar to the blag, the swindle involves the use of cheeky deception in order to get something out of you that you would not normally be willing to give. You can, for example, provide your car to a "friend" for the weekend, by being swindled into accepting their low-quality offer of compensation in the event that they wrap said car around a tree whilst not being insured.
The Cockney Twist
The act of bypassing the ignition barrel in order to start a vehicle without necessarily being in possession of the correct key. Also known as 'hot-wiring' in niche circles.
The Cockney Ambush
The act of jumping out of a bush and grabbing someone in a sort-of Hulk Hogan style, usually not in a genuine mugging environment, but not entirely exclusive of such.
The Cockney Bodge
The Cockney Remark
Any remark that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but the issuer, whose secret understanding appears to provide high levels of amusement.
The Cockney Headbutt (aka "Dunk")
Two people on a motorbike, whose helmets collide during every gear change and braking action.
Can also apply to an actual headbutt, as long as it is administered in a surprising or cheeky way.
The Cockney Facebreak
An accident involving relatively unpleasant facial injuries, but generally not serious.
Although typically used in the BMX context, and specifically in relation to failed stunts, this usage is not exclusive.
The Cockney Winder
Possibly a strange alcoholic beverage. Definitely not something you should consume under any circumstances.
The term applies to any circling motion that results in dizziness, loss of control or falling.
Also used colloquially to describe a comical punch-up, resembling cartoon fisticuffs.
The Cockney Up-Sell
Different from the average up-sell, in which the seller attempts to convince the buyer to part with more cash than originally agreed, in exchange for additional products or services that may not necessarily be required, the Cockney Up-Seller simply charges for the additions without consent and then "discovers" their "mistake" at the point of delivery, when it's too inconvenient to change the order. I came into contact with this technique recently, when a restaurant "misheard" my order, somehow, and provided four times the amount of side dishes, which, by the point of "discovery", had already been prepared and could not be returned.
Another use of the Cockney Up-Sell that I encountered personally was perpetrated by a Prague-based mechanic, whose hourly rate mysteriously doubled on the invoice, after carrying out not less than seven unrequested jobs on Burt. Total damage: around 1000 euros. Get everything in writing beforehand!
Cockney Piglets
A firm of uniformed clowns whose religion convinces them that they possess rights over standard folks. They can be seen kidnapping people and quoting jibberish at them when they suspect non-compliance with the rules of their circus. Other names include, but are certainly not limited to:
The fuzz
The filth
Rozzers
Old bill
Bobbies
Order followers
Illuminati slaves
And my personal favorite, the troublemakers.
Piglet Phone
A radio device used by Cockney Piglets to co-ordinate cheek and menace. The Piglet Phone makes for entertaining listening at times of public disobedience, such as in every place on earth since 2017.
A piglet phone in its natural habitat